What Do You Do When a Co-Worker Acts Like Your Boss?

If you haven’t worked with someone like this before, just wait. Chances are, during your working life, you’ll encounter someone like this:

They’re constantly telling you how to do your job.

They critique your work (sometimes positively, but usually negatively) at every opportunity.

They’re always coming up with something they need you to do.

Oh, and they’re not your boss. They just act like it.
 

Testing your perceptions: Are you really being bossed around by a colleague?

If you get the impression that a co-worker is trying to be your boss, it’s important to respond consciously and intentionally to what’s really going on, rather than simply reacting to your perceptions in the moment.

Answering two simple questions will go a long way toward reaching that understanding:

1. Is there a pattern of this kind of conduct?

   If the incidents happen sporadically — and especially if they happen under stressful conditions for your team or company — assume good intention and give your co-worker some grace. We’re all human.

   Also, make note of how things like requests for help are phrased — and pay attention to nonverbal communication factors like body language, expression and word choice. Does the interaction come off as a genuine need for assistance, with open body language and a friendly expression — or more like a command, with the impression clearly given that the other person isn’t really asking?

2. Was the ‘bossy’ conduct unwarranted?

   This question is especially pertinent if you’re new to your team or your company. Part of “settling in” is learning new policies and procedures, and peer-to-peer correction and advice is part of that process. Your manager or supervisor can’t be there all the time.

   There might also be times when your boss delegates authority to a co-worker — leading a project or discussion group, for example. They’re not technically your boss, but they do have the right to exert power within the scope of their assignment.

But if you can honestly answer “Yes” to both questions, then the first thing you need to remember is that your would-be boss might not have malicious intentions. In any conflict or potential conflict, it’s critical to assume the best until proven otherwise. That lessens the risk of needlessly damaging relationships over a simple misunderstanding.

How do you find that out?

You talk to them. More importantly, you listen to them. Before you can respond effectively to a would-be boss, you have to know why they’re acting the way they do.
 

Assertiveness without confrontation: Don’t compound the problem

This rules out a passive approach — simply accepting the situation because you don’t want to make waves. It might seem like the right course, especially if you’re new, but the stress will build up over time and that’s not good for you. Employment experts say that micromanagement — whether by a boss or an overstepping colleague — is the top sign of a toxic workplace.

An aggressive approach isn’t the way to go, either. Snapping “You’re not my boss!” might feel good in the moment, but that’s a reactive action. There’s an adage in sports that “The second person to throw a punch always gets the penalty,” and that’s true in verbal altercations as well. If your manager or supervisor happens to overhear, you’ll look like the one escalating the problem — even if you try to explain what led up to your outburst.

Similarly, a passive-aggressive stance isn’t productive either. Avoid the temptation to say things like, “So when’s my weekly manager meeting with you scheduled for?” or “Guess there’s a new sheriff in town and nobody told me.”

You need to be assertive — and set boundaries — without being confrontational. Don’t have the discussion when you’re angry, and never have it in front of co-workers. Set a time to talk. Use “I-first” language to avoid seeming like you’re accusing the other person. Something like this:

Something’s bothering me, and I wanted to talk to you about it. It feels like I have two bosses, and it’s making my job more difficult.”

Then listen without interrupting. The “wannabe” boss might apologize. They might try to justify their actions because of their longevity with the team or company. They might give any number of other explanations. Listening without interrupting will help you understand where they’re coming from — and whether the conduct is likely to continue.

If it does, resist the urge to go straight to your actual boss unless the situation has a measurable negative effect on your own performance. Managers have enough to do without refereeing personal disputes.
 

For more on this topic, check out How to Work Better with Difficult People

Instead, try these sanity-saving responses.

If the would-be boss tries to give you orders, ask if they’ve run that by your real manager first.

If they critique your work, smile and say “Thanks for the input.”

And if they phrase requests for help like commands, it’s fine to respond with: “I have a lot on my plate right now, but let me see what I can do when I get clear.”

Would-be bosses can be infuriating, but an assertive, nonconfrontational response that sets clear boundaries is always the best choice.
 

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